I am going to burrow under the covers until this night has passed.
Literally.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes I want the ground to just swallow me up,
or me to meld into the dirt.
Sometimes I wish my body would disappear into the wind, like the movies.
Sometimes I wish I could become part of the darkness.
When the lights are off and I can't see my hands
and I can't see my feet
I wish it would stay that way.
When I am lying on the ground
and can feel the rocks and sand pressing on my back and head
I wish the pressure would stop and I could dissolve like water.
When the wind blows hard
and my hair and clothes fold against themselves
I wish I could fold over myself into oblivion.
Sometimes I wish I could melt out the bodies limitations.
Sometimes I wish all I could see were the thing around me,
and I wouldn't have to look at my hands
clumsy hands,
legs,
slow legs,
face,
blemished, aging face.
I wish I could be part of the ground, the wind, the dark,
an existence in the things around me,
because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I could or could not do
and I would only be seen as the unmovable earth,
a force not a person.
Sometimes that's all I want
to be a force
to not have to make human decisions
human mistakes
be human clumsy
human stupid
Human.
or me to meld into the dirt.
Sometimes I wish my body would disappear into the wind, like the movies.
Sometimes I wish I could become part of the darkness.
When the lights are off and I can't see my hands
and I can't see my feet
I wish it would stay that way.
When I am lying on the ground
and can feel the rocks and sand pressing on my back and head
I wish the pressure would stop and I could dissolve like water.
When the wind blows hard
and my hair and clothes fold against themselves
I wish I could fold over myself into oblivion.
Sometimes I wish I could melt out the bodies limitations.
Sometimes I wish all I could see were the thing around me,
and I wouldn't have to look at my hands
clumsy hands,
legs,
slow legs,
face,
blemished, aging face.
I wish I could be part of the ground, the wind, the dark,
an existence in the things around me,
because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I could or could not do
and I would only be seen as the unmovable earth,
a force not a person.
Sometimes that's all I want
to be a force
to not have to make human decisions
human mistakes
be human clumsy
human stupid
Human.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Story
Wow, I can't believe I only had one post this month. I attribute it to laziness. How come the times that we have the most free time are the times that we get the least done?
I just started reading the new Donald Miller book, A Million Miles and a Thousand Years, or something like that. I haven't gotten very far. Don talks about our stories, how they compare to the stories in the movies. Some producers wanted to make a movie based on one of his books, but they had to jazz it up because his book would be boring on the big screen. They told him people would start stabbing each other with plastic straws halfway through the movie. I wonder if my book would be boring on the big screen. I would wish it wouldn't.
My mentor Kara let me borrow the book (thanks Kevin and Kara). It made her and someone else she knew cry, but at different parts, and she wondered if/at what part it would make me cry. I cried within the first 20 pages. I don't think books usually do that. Usually the crying parts are at the end. It came from a simple sentence, but I don't exactly remember the wording. I think Don just asked if our stories were worth telling. All my life I have just wanted it to mean something, and now this simple question and the answer felt like no. It really wasn't that big of a deal. I think I have just been emotional lately and anything can set me off. I used to never cry. Now I feel like crying all the time. I think it is an expression of some unacknowledged longing. Maybe its a longing for a story.
I just started reading the new Donald Miller book, A Million Miles and a Thousand Years, or something like that. I haven't gotten very far. Don talks about our stories, how they compare to the stories in the movies. Some producers wanted to make a movie based on one of his books, but they had to jazz it up because his book would be boring on the big screen. They told him people would start stabbing each other with plastic straws halfway through the movie. I wonder if my book would be boring on the big screen. I would wish it wouldn't.
My mentor Kara let me borrow the book (thanks Kevin and Kara). It made her and someone else she knew cry, but at different parts, and she wondered if/at what part it would make me cry. I cried within the first 20 pages. I don't think books usually do that. Usually the crying parts are at the end. It came from a simple sentence, but I don't exactly remember the wording. I think Don just asked if our stories were worth telling. All my life I have just wanted it to mean something, and now this simple question and the answer felt like no. It really wasn't that big of a deal. I think I have just been emotional lately and anything can set me off. I used to never cry. Now I feel like crying all the time. I think it is an expression of some unacknowledged longing. Maybe its a longing for a story.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Bible
Everything written in the Bible was first experienced in real life, mainly by people with emotions, earthly senses, limited bodies.
People lived before the bible and had meaningful relationships with God. As a little kid, I think I pictured Adam reading his King James underneath a pecan tree, Noah walking with his New Living Translation, Abraham pulling back his beard to better see his NIV. I always owned a bible and considered it synonymous with God, the fourth part of the trinity. KJ said something like "people put too much emphasis on the Bible". Don't quote me though. Maybe people do focus on it too much.
Some people believe that the Bible contains everything that has been, is, and will be, in essence God. Actually, they believe the Torah contains G-d. Some people will not throw their English translation of the Bible on the ground (I throw my bible on the ground every night after I am finished reading it). Some people will not question it, taking everything at face value, but by automatically believing everything the bible says, we retract from its value. If someone gave me a puzzle and told me it had all the pieces, having all the pieces only matters if I try to piece them together. It is only valuable if I work with it. I could have used a parachute analogy for this, but I feel like that one is a little over used. You can imagine it.
I don't admonish those who believe the Torah contains all that has been, is, and will be, or those that do not throw down their bible, or those who hold highly reverent Bible-views. Too much reverence can become a problem, though, when people concentrate on the Bible more than they concentrate on Jesus. The Bible can become an idol if it rises above God.
Someone had to experience the bible before it became "The Bible". The only contains others' experiences, and the Bible didn't determine what happened, what happened determined the Bible. Real life supersedes the Bible, because the Bible only serves as a tool. It does not own us, we own the Bible. So I believe sometimes people do put to much emphasis on the Bible. I can have an epiphany from God without it coming from the Bible. He can tell me something directly to my spirit, and it need not come from the written pages of my English-translated NKJ. I do not discredit my Bible, but it is not my lifeline. Jesus is.
People lived before the bible and had meaningful relationships with God. As a little kid, I think I pictured Adam reading his King James underneath a pecan tree, Noah walking with his New Living Translation, Abraham pulling back his beard to better see his NIV. I always owned a bible and considered it synonymous with God, the fourth part of the trinity. KJ said something like "people put too much emphasis on the Bible". Don't quote me though. Maybe people do focus on it too much.
Some people believe that the Bible contains everything that has been, is, and will be, in essence God. Actually, they believe the Torah contains G-d. Some people will not throw their English translation of the Bible on the ground (I throw my bible on the ground every night after I am finished reading it). Some people will not question it, taking everything at face value, but by automatically believing everything the bible says, we retract from its value. If someone gave me a puzzle and told me it had all the pieces, having all the pieces only matters if I try to piece them together. It is only valuable if I work with it. I could have used a parachute analogy for this, but I feel like that one is a little over used. You can imagine it.
I don't admonish those who believe the Torah contains all that has been, is, and will be, or those that do not throw down their bible, or those who hold highly reverent Bible-views. Too much reverence can become a problem, though, when people concentrate on the Bible more than they concentrate on Jesus. The Bible can become an idol if it rises above God.
Someone had to experience the bible before it became "The Bible". The only contains others' experiences, and the Bible didn't determine what happened, what happened determined the Bible. Real life supersedes the Bible, because the Bible only serves as a tool. It does not own us, we own the Bible. So I believe sometimes people do put to much emphasis on the Bible. I can have an epiphany from God without it coming from the Bible. He can tell me something directly to my spirit, and it need not come from the written pages of my English-translated NKJ. I do not discredit my Bible, but it is not my lifeline. Jesus is.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Jumpers
I know what they are doing, those people who jump from one thing to the next.
I know why they smoke
and I know why they drink.
I know why they stay up through the night
and why they sleep through the day.
I know why they eat.
I know why they run.
I know why they twitch in bed
and why their eyes won't meet yours.
I know what they are doing.
It lies in that first drag
and that last drought.
It lies in that first bite.
It lies in a sleep deprived mind,
in a fatigued body.
It lies in that split second when whatever it is carries them away.
They jump from one thing to the other
because they are trying to forget,
forget that they hate themselves.
Those people can't wait to
get where they're going,
forget where they were,
and leave where they are.
Never truly satisfied,
they jump from one thing to the next
searching for that one thing,
that can for a split second
erase their self-hate.
I know what they are doing.
I know why they smoke
and I know why they drink.
I know why they stay up through the night
and why they sleep through the day.
I know why they eat.
I know why they run.
I know why they twitch in bed
and why their eyes won't meet yours.
I know what they are doing.
It lies in that first drag
and that last drought.
It lies in that first bite.
It lies in a sleep deprived mind,
in a fatigued body.
It lies in that split second when whatever it is carries them away.
They jump from one thing to the other
because they are trying to forget,
forget that they hate themselves.
Those people can't wait to
get where they're going,
forget where they were,
and leave where they are.
Never truly satisfied,
they jump from one thing to the next
searching for that one thing,
that can for a split second
erase their self-hate.
I know what they are doing.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Christianity (re-published)
Christianity
I am so tired about hearing about Christianity.Christianity isn't about this. Christianity isn't about that. REAL Christians believe this, REAL Christians believe that. He must not be a Christian because he doesn't go to church every Sunday. She must not be a Christian because she practices lesbianism. He has a tattoo, she pierced her belly button, he looks at porn, she deals drugs. They MUST not be Christians. They don't fit our set of rules. They don't meet our requirements. They must be going to Hell.
Man, when did Christianity become about rules?
In acts it says that "The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch". Now I don't know if it is just the translation, but it seems to me that they didn't give themselves that name. Others gave them that title, the title of Christ followers. So when did Christianity become such an exclusive club? When did we get to decide who is following Jesus and who isn't? I have said it before, but Christianity is not the only connection to God. Jesus, his words, and the holy spirit are the only connection to God, and Christianity does not have an exclusive hold on them.
I just get angry. People walk around like they have it all figured out, like the answer to our lives can be contained in this little box called Christianity. I am done with Christianity. I will go to church, I will read my beloved bible (favorite book in my collection), I will pray, I will encourage others, I will strive to die to myself daily, and I will try to follow Jesus in everything but I will no longer let myself by constrained by the harrowing shackles of this Christianity in which people believe. I will no longer buy in to the idea of an exclusive hold on God.
I am probably going to regret this tomorrow when the comments start coming in, but I am just so tired of it. I feel as if I can't go back to this exclusive Christianity, yet everything inside of me cringes when I try to think of a church outside of "Christianity". Maybe I am just struggling with too many "brick wall" Christianities (Velvet Elvis reference). Maybe I just need to get on to my trampoline and jump higher and higher and higher. Maybe that's where I will find my true life, not in the brick walls but in the Christianity of the sky. Man, I just want to live!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Dr. Otto
We have an atheist religions teacher here at Centenary, and at first it surprised me, almost offended me. But I like him. He is my FYE (first year experience) professor, and although he works our butts off, I feel like he has a really good view of life. Except...
Ever met someone who was so alive, except for the fact that he is dead? I know plenty of people: aunts, neighbors, students, my FYE professor. They understand that it is about trying to live a great life, they try so hard, but they lack the life to get up and walk. They have no God to raise them from the dead. Like corpses they lie in their graves and wait as they slowly meld back into the mud. They have no hope, they have no life. And even worse, they don't even realize.
My professor has a good outlook. He works hard, cares for others strives to be a better person for the sake of those around him. But he lacks one thing, Jesus, and without it all that he does is worth nothing. Nothing. God is the center of the universe, the alpha and omega, and however much I may stray and rebel, however I act, I will always always acknowledge that He is my God and without Him I would be nothing. I would be mud; I would be dead. I am so sad for my professor. He would make such a great live person. I think he would be happier, too. But he just sits in his office, eyes on the screen typing away, as his body slowly melds back into the mud.
That's not to say I disagree with having an atheist religions professor. In fact I like it. I think Christians have the bad habit of thinking they are the only religion out there, or at least the only one that counts. I don't think we should be any more offended at an atheist religions teacher than a Hindu should be offended at a Christian one.
Ever met someone who was so alive, except for the fact that he is dead? I know plenty of people: aunts, neighbors, students, my FYE professor. They understand that it is about trying to live a great life, they try so hard, but they lack the life to get up and walk. They have no God to raise them from the dead. Like corpses they lie in their graves and wait as they slowly meld back into the mud. They have no hope, they have no life. And even worse, they don't even realize.
My professor has a good outlook. He works hard, cares for others strives to be a better person for the sake of those around him. But he lacks one thing, Jesus, and without it all that he does is worth nothing. Nothing. God is the center of the universe, the alpha and omega, and however much I may stray and rebel, however I act, I will always always acknowledge that He is my God and without Him I would be nothing. I would be mud; I would be dead. I am so sad for my professor. He would make such a great live person. I think he would be happier, too. But he just sits in his office, eyes on the screen typing away, as his body slowly melds back into the mud.
That's not to say I disagree with having an atheist religions professor. In fact I like it. I think Christians have the bad habit of thinking they are the only religion out there, or at least the only one that counts. I don't think we should be any more offended at an atheist religions teacher than a Hindu should be offended at a Christian one.
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