I am going through a hard season right now. I found out that I don't really know much about my feelings. I love work. I can get so caught up in it and the constant doing doing doing, and I just push my emotions down. I don't stop to think about them, I don't stop at all.
Well, I didn't stop before this year. I do now. I don't really have much of a choice. It is so nice to be able to slow down, way down. I haven't let myself do that since, man, probably middle school. Its been too long.
It so paradoxical that God uses the hard times in our life to make us better, to grow us. Plants grow in good conditions, why wouldn't humans?
What is it about us?
What makes us grow when everything around us pushes us down,
When the ground is hard and the air is cold,
When the night takes forever and the day is dull?
What is it about us?
What makes us different from the flowers and grass,
When the environment says no and we keep trying to reach up,
When everything is nothing and we manage to go on?
What is it about us that is so special?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Mistakes
Note to self: Do not let the fear of making mistakes prevent you from moving at all. Make decisions. Make mistakes. Move on.
I am not responsible for providing a way out of my mistakes, I just have to take what God's grace gives me. He did not give me grace so that I could stand there and just know I am forgiven. He gave grace b/c He knew I would/always will need it. Can I say that God's grace is kinda scary? I have no control over it. I don't have the knowledge of how it is going to come, I don't have any way to make it happen, I just have to believe that it will come and live my life accordingly.
Btw, this is total future projection. I am nowhere close to knowing God's grace. Right now I live my life as if every little action I make will affect eternity forever. Silly little girl, who are you to think you can affect the eternal? Who are you to think you are able to change God (the only eternal,the basis of all eternal things)? More important is why I think He needs changing. I think it just boils down to control. I have no control of grace, so I want to change the way it works. I want to know how it comes, from where, what I can do to make it happen. I want control. Self, open your eyes. Can't you see from this week, this semester that anything you have control over goes wrong? Not neccarily terribly bad, just wrong. Not right. Not godly. Can't you see only God is godly, and only actions, even "godly" actions, are wrong w/o Him behind it?
I am not responsible for providing a way out of my mistakes, I just have to take what God's grace gives me. He did not give me grace so that I could stand there and just know I am forgiven. He gave grace b/c He knew I would/always will need it. Can I say that God's grace is kinda scary? I have no control over it. I don't have the knowledge of how it is going to come, I don't have any way to make it happen, I just have to believe that it will come and live my life accordingly.
Btw, this is total future projection. I am nowhere close to knowing God's grace. Right now I live my life as if every little action I make will affect eternity forever. Silly little girl, who are you to think you can affect the eternal? Who are you to think you are able to change God (the only eternal,the basis of all eternal things)? More important is why I think He needs changing. I think it just boils down to control. I have no control of grace, so I want to change the way it works. I want to know how it comes, from where, what I can do to make it happen. I want control. Self, open your eyes. Can't you see from this week, this semester that anything you have control over goes wrong? Not neccarily terribly bad, just wrong. Not right. Not godly. Can't you see only God is godly, and only actions, even "godly" actions, are wrong w/o Him behind it?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Healing at the gate called "Beautiful"
Usually when Jesus calls you a name, it is not for who you are right then as much as who you will be.
E.g. He renamed Simon "Peter" as the rock (petros)on which he would build his church.
So I have been going through such a rut lately (maybe an understatement), but things are slowly getting better. This morning I realized that 'giving' is my primary love language because I realized I kept offering food to my roommate (like the friendship bread I had w/ breakfast), and even though she kept refusing, I kept wanting to share some of what I knew to be good w/ her. I like to share a lot of my things, and anything that makes me happy I usually want to give to someone else so that they will be happy too. This isn't always true, but generally. It's really nice to know your primary love language. It makes me feel like I have a purpose (even though that is NOT what should give me purpose), an intentional creation, and that made me feel less "rut"-ish.
I had one of those mornings that ran like a clock but I only briefly looked at the beautiful gentle morning light caressing through the limbs. God might speak, most definitely speaks, on other types of days, but the days that we least notice what he is doing that He decides to hurl a spiritual brick into our face and make us stumble and fall back flat seeing stars. Probably pay back for not noticing the grass. I had one of those mornings, and I am still recovering (sigh).
Church seemed normal enough. Mark Sworenson spoke first on the passage in Joshuah where God actually made the sun stand still (great passage), and then he moved into Acts 3 where Peter and John heal a crippled beggar sitting at the temple gate. I know the story from years of kids church, but today it took on a whole new meaning for me. It starts w/ Peter and John walking to their afternoon prayer. A beggar sitting in front of the temple gate called "BEAUTIFUL" holds out his hand or shouts at them or maybe he just mumbles a half hearted question and continues to look at the ground in a hopeless plea for money. Peter and John stop, LOOK STRAIGHT AT HIM, and say "LOOK AT US!", which he does in hopes of something they have.
Then Peter says, straight into this man's upturned, expectant, needy face, full eye contact, "Silver and gold have I none, but that what I have I GIVE YOU. IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH, WALK." TAKING HIM BY THE HAND he lifted up the crippled beggar and in that instant he became strong. The once crippled man began to walk and dance and praise God STRAIGHT IN TO THE HOUSE OF GOD W/ THE REST OF HIS CHILDREN.
Silver and Gold I may have, but the greatest thing I can give someone is Jesus Christ! I have had such a calling to help the homeless and needy people around me, but the besides a meal, socks, or running water, these people need my Jesus, the fisherman who can supply all their needs. These people don't really want just money, they need to walk and run! They need to jump and dance all the way into the courts of our Lord, and I think I think God wants to use me as one of the gates to do this. Mark Sworenson had randomly mentioned the little tidbit about about the names Jesus gives being precursors of what is to come, and it didn't really hit home until the temple gate under which this horribly crippled beggar sat just happened to be called "Beautiful". The name Rebekah means beautiful, among other things, so my mom has used "Beautiful" as a nickname for me ever since I was little. It is a very deep down, love-you-mom, home connected nickname for me. When Mark got to that part of the passage I literally starting tearing up and had to hold them back until the passage was finished b/c I felt like God was speaking directly to me. The temple gate called "Beautiful", that's me. It isn't even a door, its the opening in the wall, it is the place that is designed to hold up some of the wall so people can walk through the gap and be in the courts of God. It isn't a thing, its a hole, its a space specially created by God under which crippled beggars WILL be brought, WILL be looked at, WILL be helped up, and WILL be healed. This is a promise. It is the place where the crippled can get to God, the space that would be nothing more than a hole, except God is on the other side. It is a gap that shows the way to God. Wow.
So maybe the gate "Beautiful" will help the desolate population here some time soon. I don't know what will happen, but I am encouraged that God will pull miraculous things out of his creation. Geez I wish I knew what it all meant so I could start doing something!! But another thing I have learned lately is that I need only have faith that something will happen, and take it one day at a time. If you read this, pray for me. I need to just be. Just be happy, just be faithful, just be God's.
E.g. He renamed Simon "Peter" as the rock (petros)on which he would build his church.
So I have been going through such a rut lately (maybe an understatement), but things are slowly getting better. This morning I realized that 'giving' is my primary love language because I realized I kept offering food to my roommate (like the friendship bread I had w/ breakfast), and even though she kept refusing, I kept wanting to share some of what I knew to be good w/ her. I like to share a lot of my things, and anything that makes me happy I usually want to give to someone else so that they will be happy too. This isn't always true, but generally. It's really nice to know your primary love language. It makes me feel like I have a purpose (even though that is NOT what should give me purpose), an intentional creation, and that made me feel less "rut"-ish.
I had one of those mornings that ran like a clock but I only briefly looked at the beautiful gentle morning light caressing through the limbs. God might speak, most definitely speaks, on other types of days, but the days that we least notice what he is doing that He decides to hurl a spiritual brick into our face and make us stumble and fall back flat seeing stars. Probably pay back for not noticing the grass. I had one of those mornings, and I am still recovering (sigh).
Church seemed normal enough. Mark Sworenson spoke first on the passage in Joshuah where God actually made the sun stand still (great passage), and then he moved into Acts 3 where Peter and John heal a crippled beggar sitting at the temple gate. I know the story from years of kids church, but today it took on a whole new meaning for me. It starts w/ Peter and John walking to their afternoon prayer. A beggar sitting in front of the temple gate called "BEAUTIFUL" holds out his hand or shouts at them or maybe he just mumbles a half hearted question and continues to look at the ground in a hopeless plea for money. Peter and John stop, LOOK STRAIGHT AT HIM, and say "LOOK AT US!", which he does in hopes of something they have.
Then Peter says, straight into this man's upturned, expectant, needy face, full eye contact, "Silver and gold have I none, but that what I have I GIVE YOU. IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH, WALK." TAKING HIM BY THE HAND he lifted up the crippled beggar and in that instant he became strong. The once crippled man began to walk and dance and praise God STRAIGHT IN TO THE HOUSE OF GOD W/ THE REST OF HIS CHILDREN.
Silver and Gold I may have, but the greatest thing I can give someone is Jesus Christ! I have had such a calling to help the homeless and needy people around me, but the besides a meal, socks, or running water, these people need my Jesus, the fisherman who can supply all their needs. These people don't really want just money, they need to walk and run! They need to jump and dance all the way into the courts of our Lord, and I think I think God wants to use me as one of the gates to do this. Mark Sworenson had randomly mentioned the little tidbit about about the names Jesus gives being precursors of what is to come, and it didn't really hit home until the temple gate under which this horribly crippled beggar sat just happened to be called "Beautiful". The name Rebekah means beautiful, among other things, so my mom has used "Beautiful" as a nickname for me ever since I was little. It is a very deep down, love-you-mom, home connected nickname for me. When Mark got to that part of the passage I literally starting tearing up and had to hold them back until the passage was finished b/c I felt like God was speaking directly to me. The temple gate called "Beautiful", that's me. It isn't even a door, its the opening in the wall, it is the place that is designed to hold up some of the wall so people can walk through the gap and be in the courts of God. It isn't a thing, its a hole, its a space specially created by God under which crippled beggars WILL be brought, WILL be looked at, WILL be helped up, and WILL be healed. This is a promise. It is the place where the crippled can get to God, the space that would be nothing more than a hole, except God is on the other side. It is a gap that shows the way to God. Wow.
So maybe the gate "Beautiful" will help the desolate population here some time soon. I don't know what will happen, but I am encouraged that God will pull miraculous things out of his creation. Geez I wish I knew what it all meant so I could start doing something!! But another thing I have learned lately is that I need only have faith that something will happen, and take it one day at a time. If you read this, pray for me. I need to just be. Just be happy, just be faithful, just be God's.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
"Go!"
Then Jesus came to them and said "All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go..."
--rev. Jonathan Beck--
---The following space is provided for notations from today's message---
(to God)
be Passion, if you are.
Say something big
We are becoming pale and fat Christians. Couch potatoes.
--"Marvin K. Mooney will you please go now!"
Matt. 28: 18-19a
18 And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore, GO!"
--rev. Jonathan Beck--
---The following space is provided for notations from today's message---
(to God)
be Passion, if you are.
Say something big
We are becoming pale and fat Christians. Couch potatoes.
--"Marvin K. Mooney will you please go now!"
Matt. 28: 18-19a
18 And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore, GO!"
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
ooh what you say
I don't know what to write. Whenever I check out my blog site I feel like I should write something, but I get halfway through a post and scrap it or save it for later (aka scrap it). I really don't even know if people read these. I feel like I am talking to someone, although that someone could just be the computer. That would be alright, I guess.
I feel like I should read over that paragraph and edit, but I would probably cut most of it out and then I would be left with no more post. I feel like I should cut that out too. Man, I read these awesome posts that other people write that suck me in and hold me tight and show me a whole new world, and I wish I could write like that; I ache to write like that. I guess the best I can be though is myself, and if only one person reads these or if it is only between the computer and me then I would still write because I don't write for you (person reading this). Actually,thats a lie. I do write for you person reading this, but I shouldn't.
I am tempted to scrap this post too. But I won't. I'm just going to put it out there because I am tired of acting like the person I feel I should be acting like, saying the likeable things I should be saying, scrapping who I am because I think someone else won't like it. I'm tired of not being myself. I'm tired of not being free. I'm just going to put it out there, and I will not care that they (or that YOU) will think something not cool about it. They will always think something. I guess the trick is just being okay with it.
I feel like I should read over that paragraph and edit, but I would probably cut most of it out and then I would be left with no more post. I feel like I should cut that out too. Man, I read these awesome posts that other people write that suck me in and hold me tight and show me a whole new world, and I wish I could write like that; I ache to write like that. I guess the best I can be though is myself, and if only one person reads these or if it is only between the computer and me then I would still write because I don't write for you (person reading this). Actually,thats a lie. I do write for you person reading this, but I shouldn't.
I am tempted to scrap this post too. But I won't. I'm just going to put it out there because I am tired of acting like the person I feel I should be acting like, saying the likeable things I should be saying, scrapping who I am because I think someone else won't like it. I'm tired of not being myself. I'm tired of not being free. I'm just going to put it out there, and I will not care that they (or that YOU) will think something not cool about it. They will always think something. I guess the trick is just being okay with it.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Church, 2
So lately I don't like church services very much. Sure, the singing is nice enough (although sometimes I wonder what exactly our purpose is) and I usually don't like the sermons here because men put on preachy voices and talk about stuff that I already know. It is nice to have that time set aside for just God and to sit and think about/talk to him, but I feel like I should set aside that time for my regular week and that church time is merely acting as a substitute for my quiet time. The main thing that excites me about church now a days is the people. Today I joined a wonderful outdoor service w/ picnic lunch afterward, and it was so peaceful and quiet with the sun streaming through the trees and the lazy barbecue smoke. The people were super friendly, and the whole experience was very comfortable and inviting. I don't necessarily wish that every Sunday were like today, but I do wish that every Sunday focused more on the community of believers and not the utter direness of us all believing the same doctrine. Think about how amazing we could be.
So I'm tired of church, just give me the body. I'm weary of Christianity, just give me Jesus. And I wonder why we don't have more of him and less of us. I wonder why we are not closer to each other. The only way I could see a real community being built up within our churches is through God, and I wonder why he hasn't been building it. Why has God built an American body like this, so pulpit and pew oriented? We are his prize, his bride, why doesn't he convict more people of our isolation from each other? God inspires sermons and allows people who are sick to be healed through prayer, he communicates and interact with us and yet still lets us build up such listless body. Why won't he whip us into shape? Why are we such a dysfunctional body, as whole, who can't agree on 2 things at once? I want more God, and less us. I want more God, I want more crazy Jesus, more spiritual guidance and utter reliance. I want more community. I want God to show me how, to show us all how.
So I'm tired of church, just give me the body. I'm weary of Christianity, just give me Jesus. And I wonder why we don't have more of him and less of us. I wonder why we are not closer to each other. The only way I could see a real community being built up within our churches is through God, and I wonder why he hasn't been building it. Why has God built an American body like this, so pulpit and pew oriented? We are his prize, his bride, why doesn't he convict more people of our isolation from each other? God inspires sermons and allows people who are sick to be healed through prayer, he communicates and interact with us and yet still lets us build up such listless body. Why won't he whip us into shape? Why are we such a dysfunctional body, as whole, who can't agree on 2 things at once? I want more God, and less us. I want more God, I want more crazy Jesus, more spiritual guidance and utter reliance. I want more community. I want God to show me how, to show us all how.
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