Church, 2

So lately I don't like church services very much. Sure, the singing is nice enough (although sometimes I wonder what exactly our purpose is) and I usually don't like the sermons here because men put on preachy voices and talk about stuff that I already know. It is nice to have that time set aside for just God and to sit and think about/talk to him, but I feel like I should set aside that time for my regular week and that church time is merely acting as a substitute for my quiet time. The main thing that excites me about church now a days is the people. Today I joined a wonderful outdoor service w/ picnic lunch afterward, and it was so peaceful and quiet with the sun streaming through the trees and the lazy barbecue smoke. The people were super friendly, and the whole experience was very comfortable and inviting. I don't necessarily wish that every Sunday were like today, but I do wish that every Sunday focused more on the community of believers and not the utter direness of us all believing the same doctrine. Think about how amazing we could be.
So I'm tired of church, just give me the body. I'm weary of Christianity, just give me Jesus. And I wonder why we don't have more of him and less of us. I wonder why we are not closer to each other. The only way I could see a real community being built up within our churches is through God, and I wonder why he hasn't been building it. Why has God built an American body like this, so pulpit and pew oriented? We are his prize, his bride, why doesn't he convict more people of our isolation from each other? God inspires sermons and allows people who are sick to be healed through prayer, he communicates and interact with us and yet still lets us build up such listless body. Why won't he whip us into shape? Why are we such a dysfunctional body, as whole, who can't agree on 2 things at once? I want more God, and less us. I want more God, I want more crazy Jesus, more spiritual guidance and utter reliance. I want more community. I want God to show me how, to show us all how.

Murder

I know I haven't written in a long while. Honestly, I haven't cared to.
I haven't written in anything.

I just get so sick of things sometimes, but I won't go into detail. I just think I am hard to work with sometimes (for the record the other person isn't the easiest to work with either. Would it kill you to validate a girl?)

Thought from Easter: Do you think Jesus could have physically died of old age? Would this earth, the body, have purposefully killed him, or do you think that maybe the only way he could have died was though us? I don't know if he could have died any other way then murder.

I'm too lazy to think of a good title, so whatever you'd like it to be

Is the bible my brain? What is this?


Sometimes I feel as if I am just falling and falling and I know where the ground is and where the rope is but somehow I don't feel it in my hands and I slide and fall backward helpless and blind but its there and all I have to do is reach up and grab it but I don't. Why can't we just tie the rope around me and heave me up?

I just got promoted to manager at my job.
It comes with better pay, new keys, and a whole ton more on my mind.
I don't know if I want to keep it.
Actually, I do know that I don't.
I want to drop back down,
I don't want the weight on my mind.
I don't want it taking any of God's space.
I want to quit the bike club.
I want to do only a few things well,
but right now I am just immobilized by nothing done very well.
When I am busy I am stressed and I dream of a break
but when I get one I feel so dissatisfied.
I can't sit alone with myself anymore.
What is going on I don't know
but I just want to be walking the straight and narrow again.
I am tired of trying it logically,
because logically I am blind.
I need help.
I need support.
Someone tell me that I need to quit being manager
(but they just promoted you and gave you instructions and who else are they gonna get and this is going to be awkward because they are going to be so disappointed)
Someone tell me that I need to quit the bike club
(but it is not as if you go to anything and you have good connections and it encourages you to stay fit and you are friends with the president)
Someone tell me that these things are renting space in my head and they won't go away until you make them.
(but you really, really don't want to do this so maybe if you just hide in a hole someday you can poke your head out and it will all be gone even though this new path is where God is)


Ugh, thought vomit. I'm sorry.

Quote

"I am the taste of pure water and the
radiance of the sun and moon. I am the sacred
word and the sound heard in the air, and the courage
of human beings. I am the sweet fragrance in the
earth and the radiance of fire; I am the life in every
Creature and the striving of the spiritual aspirant."

"My eternal seed, Arjuna, is to be found in every
creature. I am the power of discrimination in those
who are intelligent, and the glory of the noble.
In those who are strong, I am strength, free from
passion and selfish attachment. I am desire itself, if
that desire is in harmony with the purpose of life."

Interesting quote from my translation of the Bhagavad gita

Goodnight

I am going to burrow under the covers until this night has passed.
Literally.

Sometimes

Sometimes I want the ground to just swallow me up,
or me to meld into the dirt.
Sometimes I wish my body would disappear into the wind, like the movies.
Sometimes I wish I could become part of the darkness.
When the lights are off and I can't see my hands
and I can't see my feet
I wish it would stay that way.
When I am lying on the ground
and can feel the rocks and sand pressing on my back and head
I wish the pressure would stop and I could dissolve like water.
When the wind blows hard
and my hair and clothes fold against themselves
I wish I could fold over myself into oblivion.
Sometimes I wish I could melt out the bodies limitations.
Sometimes I wish all I could see were the thing around me,
and I wouldn't have to look at my hands
clumsy hands,
legs,
slow legs,
face,
blemished, aging face.
I wish I could be part of the ground, the wind, the dark,
an existence in the things around me,
because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I could or could not do
and I would only be seen as the unmovable earth,
a force not a person.
Sometimes that's all I want
to be a force
to not have to make human decisions
human mistakes
be human clumsy
human stupid
Human.

Story

Wow, I can't believe I only had one post this month. I attribute it to laziness. How come the times that we have the most free time are the times that we get the least done?

I just started reading the new Donald Miller book, A Million Miles and a Thousand Years, or something like that. I haven't gotten very far. Don talks about our stories, how they compare to the stories in the movies. Some producers wanted to make a movie based on one of his books, but they had to jazz it up because his book would be boring on the big screen. They told him people would start stabbing each other with plastic straws halfway through the movie. I wonder if my book would be boring on the big screen. I would wish it wouldn't.

My mentor Kara let me borrow the book (thanks Kevin and Kara). It made her and someone else she knew cry, but at different parts, and she wondered if/at what part it would make me cry. I cried within the first 20 pages. I don't think books usually do that. Usually the crying parts are at the end. It came from a simple sentence, but I don't exactly remember the wording. I think Don just asked if our stories were worth telling. All my life I have just wanted it to mean something, and now this simple question and the answer felt like no. It really wasn't that big of a deal. I think I have just been emotional lately and anything can set me off. I used to never cry. Now I feel like crying all the time. I think it is an expression of some unacknowledged longing. Maybe its a longing for a story.