Mistakes

Note to self: Do not let the fear of making mistakes prevent you from moving at all. Make decisions. Make mistakes. Move on.
I am not responsible for providing a way out of my mistakes, I just have to take what God's grace gives me. He did not give me grace so that I could stand there and just know I am forgiven. He gave grace b/c He knew I would/always will need it. Can I say that God's grace is kinda scary? I have no control over it. I don't have the knowledge of how it is going to come, I don't have any way to make it happen, I just have to believe that it will come and live my life accordingly.
Btw, this is total future projection. I am nowhere close to knowing God's grace. Right now I live my life as if every little action I make will affect eternity forever. Silly little girl, who are you to think you can affect the eternal? Who are you to think you are able to change God (the only eternal,the basis of all eternal things)? More important is why I think He needs changing. I think it just boils down to control. I have no control of grace, so I want to change the way it works. I want to know how it comes, from where, what I can do to make it happen. I want control. Self, open your eyes. Can't you see from this week, this semester that anything you have control over goes wrong? Not neccarily terribly bad, just wrong. Not right. Not godly. Can't you see only God is godly, and only actions, even "godly" actions, are wrong w/o Him behind it?

Healing at the gate called "Beautiful"

Usually when Jesus calls you a name, it is not for who you are right then as much as who you will be.
E.g. He renamed Simon "Peter" as the rock (petros)on which he would build his church.

So I have been going through such a rut lately (maybe an understatement), but things are slowly getting better. This morning I realized that 'giving' is my primary love language because I realized I kept offering food to my roommate (like the friendship bread I had w/ breakfast), and even though she kept refusing, I kept wanting to share some of what I knew to be good w/ her. I like to share a lot of my things, and anything that makes me happy I usually want to give to someone else so that they will be happy too. This isn't always true, but generally. It's really nice to know your primary love language. It makes me feel like I have a purpose (even though that is NOT what should give me purpose), an intentional creation, and that made me feel less "rut"-ish.

I had one of those mornings that ran like a clock but I only briefly looked at the beautiful gentle morning light caressing through the limbs. God might speak, most definitely speaks, on other types of days, but the days that we least notice what he is doing that He decides to hurl a spiritual brick into our face and make us stumble and fall back flat seeing stars. Probably pay back for not noticing the grass. I had one of those mornings, and I am still recovering (sigh).

Church seemed normal enough. Mark Sworenson spoke first on the passage in Joshuah where God actually made the sun stand still (great passage), and then he moved into Acts 3 where Peter and John heal a crippled beggar sitting at the temple gate. I know the story from years of kids church, but today it took on a whole new meaning for me. It starts w/ Peter and John walking to their afternoon prayer. A beggar sitting in front of the temple gate called "BEAUTIFUL" holds out his hand or shouts at them or maybe he just mumbles a half hearted question and continues to look at the ground in a hopeless plea for money. Peter and John stop, LOOK STRAIGHT AT HIM, and say "LOOK AT US!", which he does in hopes of something they have.
Then Peter says, straight into this man's upturned, expectant, needy face, full eye contact, "Silver and gold have I none, but that what I have I GIVE YOU. IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH, WALK." TAKING HIM BY THE HAND he lifted up the crippled beggar and in that instant he became strong. The once crippled man began to walk and dance and praise God STRAIGHT IN TO THE HOUSE OF GOD W/ THE REST OF HIS CHILDREN.

Silver and Gold I may have, but the greatest thing I can give someone is Jesus Christ! I have had such a calling to help the homeless and needy people around me, but the besides a meal, socks, or running water, these people need my Jesus, the fisherman who can supply all their needs. These people don't really want just money, they need to walk and run! They need to jump and dance all the way into the courts of our Lord, and I think I think God wants to use me as one of the gates to do this. Mark Sworenson had randomly mentioned the little tidbit about about the names Jesus gives being precursors of what is to come, and it didn't really hit home until the temple gate under which this horribly crippled beggar sat just happened to be called "Beautiful". The name Rebekah means beautiful, among other things, so my mom has used "Beautiful" as a nickname for me ever since I was little. It is a very deep down, love-you-mom, home connected nickname for me. When Mark got to that part of the passage I literally starting tearing up and had to hold them back until the passage was finished b/c I felt like God was speaking directly to me. The temple gate called "Beautiful", that's me. It isn't even a door, its the opening in the wall, it is the place that is designed to hold up some of the wall so people can walk through the gap and be in the courts of God. It isn't a thing, its a hole, its a space specially created by God under which crippled beggars WILL be brought, WILL be looked at, WILL be helped up, and WILL be healed. This is a promise. It is the place where the crippled can get to God, the space that would be nothing more than a hole, except God is on the other side. It is a gap that shows the way to God. Wow.
So maybe the gate "Beautiful" will help the desolate population here some time soon. I don't know what will happen, but I am encouraged that God will pull miraculous things out of his creation. Geez I wish I knew what it all meant so I could start doing something!! But another thing I have learned lately is that I need only have faith that something will happen, and take it one day at a time. If you read this, pray for me. I need to just be. Just be happy, just be faithful, just be God's.

"Go!"

Then Jesus came to them and said "All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go..."
--rev. Jonathan Beck--
---The following space is provided for notations from today's message---

(to God)
be Passion, if you are.
Say something big

We are becoming pale and fat Christians. Couch potatoes.

--"Marvin K. Mooney will you please go now!"

Matt. 28: 18-19a
18 And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore, GO!"

OSHCA

Unscramble the letters

ooh what you say

I don't know what to write. Whenever I check out my blog site I feel like I should write something, but I get halfway through a post and scrap it or save it for later (aka scrap it). I really don't even know if people read these. I feel like I am talking to someone, although that someone could just be the computer. That would be alright, I guess.

I feel like I should read over that paragraph and edit, but I would probably cut most of it out and then I would be left with no more post. I feel like I should cut that out too. Man, I read these awesome posts that other people write that suck me in and hold me tight and show me a whole new world, and I wish I could write like that; I ache to write like that. I guess the best I can be though is myself, and if only one person reads these or if it is only between the computer and me then I would still write because I don't write for you (person reading this). Actually,thats a lie. I do write for you person reading this, but I shouldn't.
I am tempted to scrap this post too. But I won't. I'm just going to put it out there because I am tired of acting like the person I feel I should be acting like, saying the likeable things I should be saying, scrapping who I am because I think someone else won't like it. I'm tired of not being myself. I'm tired of not being free. I'm just going to put it out there, and I will not care that they (or that YOU) will think something not cool about it. They will always think something. I guess the trick is just being okay with it.

Church, 2

So lately I don't like church services very much. Sure, the singing is nice enough (although sometimes I wonder what exactly our purpose is) and I usually don't like the sermons here because men put on preachy voices and talk about stuff that I already know. It is nice to have that time set aside for just God and to sit and think about/talk to him, but I feel like I should set aside that time for my regular week and that church time is merely acting as a substitute for my quiet time. The main thing that excites me about church now a days is the people. Today I joined a wonderful outdoor service w/ picnic lunch afterward, and it was so peaceful and quiet with the sun streaming through the trees and the lazy barbecue smoke. The people were super friendly, and the whole experience was very comfortable and inviting. I don't necessarily wish that every Sunday were like today, but I do wish that every Sunday focused more on the community of believers and not the utter direness of us all believing the same doctrine. Think about how amazing we could be.
So I'm tired of church, just give me the body. I'm weary of Christianity, just give me Jesus. And I wonder why we don't have more of him and less of us. I wonder why we are not closer to each other. The only way I could see a real community being built up within our churches is through God, and I wonder why he hasn't been building it. Why has God built an American body like this, so pulpit and pew oriented? We are his prize, his bride, why doesn't he convict more people of our isolation from each other? God inspires sermons and allows people who are sick to be healed through prayer, he communicates and interact with us and yet still lets us build up such listless body. Why won't he whip us into shape? Why are we such a dysfunctional body, as whole, who can't agree on 2 things at once? I want more God, and less us. I want more God, I want more crazy Jesus, more spiritual guidance and utter reliance. I want more community. I want God to show me how, to show us all how.

Murder

I know I haven't written in a long while. Honestly, I haven't cared to.
I haven't written in anything.

I just get so sick of things sometimes, but I won't go into detail. I just think I am hard to work with sometimes (for the record the other person isn't the easiest to work with either. Would it kill you to validate a girl?)

Thought from Easter: Do you think Jesus could have physically died of old age? Would this earth, the body, have purposefully killed him, or do you think that maybe the only way he could have died was though us? I don't know if he could have died any other way then murder.

I'm too lazy to think of a good title, so whatever you'd like it to be

Is the bible my brain? What is this?


Sometimes I feel as if I am just falling and falling and I know where the ground is and where the rope is but somehow I don't feel it in my hands and I slide and fall backward helpless and blind but its there and all I have to do is reach up and grab it but I don't. Why can't we just tie the rope around me and heave me up?

I just got promoted to manager at my job.
It comes with better pay, new keys, and a whole ton more on my mind.
I don't know if I want to keep it.
Actually, I do know that I don't.
I want to drop back down,
I don't want the weight on my mind.
I don't want it taking any of God's space.
I want to quit the bike club.
I want to do only a few things well,
but right now I am just immobilized by nothing done very well.
When I am busy I am stressed and I dream of a break
but when I get one I feel so dissatisfied.
I can't sit alone with myself anymore.
What is going on I don't know
but I just want to be walking the straight and narrow again.
I am tired of trying it logically,
because logically I am blind.
I need help.
I need support.
Someone tell me that I need to quit being manager
(but they just promoted you and gave you instructions and who else are they gonna get and this is going to be awkward because they are going to be so disappointed)
Someone tell me that I need to quit the bike club
(but it is not as if you go to anything and you have good connections and it encourages you to stay fit and you are friends with the president)
Someone tell me that these things are renting space in my head and they won't go away until you make them.
(but you really, really don't want to do this so maybe if you just hide in a hole someday you can poke your head out and it will all be gone even though this new path is where God is)


Ugh, thought vomit. I'm sorry.

Quote

"I am the taste of pure water and the
radiance of the sun and moon. I am the sacred
word and the sound heard in the air, and the courage
of human beings. I am the sweet fragrance in the
earth and the radiance of fire; I am the life in every
Creature and the striving of the spiritual aspirant."

"My eternal seed, Arjuna, is to be found in every
creature. I am the power of discrimination in those
who are intelligent, and the glory of the noble.
In those who are strong, I am strength, free from
passion and selfish attachment. I am desire itself, if
that desire is in harmony with the purpose of life."

Interesting quote from my translation of the Bhagavad gita

Goodnight

I am going to burrow under the covers until this night has passed.
Literally.

Sometimes

Sometimes I want the ground to just swallow me up,
or me to meld into the dirt.
Sometimes I wish my body would disappear into the wind, like the movies.
Sometimes I wish I could become part of the darkness.
When the lights are off and I can't see my hands
and I can't see my feet
I wish it would stay that way.
When I am lying on the ground
and can feel the rocks and sand pressing on my back and head
I wish the pressure would stop and I could dissolve like water.
When the wind blows hard
and my hair and clothes fold against themselves
I wish I could fold over myself into oblivion.
Sometimes I wish I could melt out the bodies limitations.
Sometimes I wish all I could see were the thing around me,
and I wouldn't have to look at my hands
clumsy hands,
legs,
slow legs,
face,
blemished, aging face.
I wish I could be part of the ground, the wind, the dark,
an existence in the things around me,
because then I wouldn't have to worry about what I could or could not do
and I would only be seen as the unmovable earth,
a force not a person.
Sometimes that's all I want
to be a force
to not have to make human decisions
human mistakes
be human clumsy
human stupid
Human.