But whatever gain I had I count as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith, that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:7-14

1.What does it mean to count everything as loss?
2.What does it mean to suffer the loss of all things?
3.What does it mean to have a righteousness of God through faith and not of the law?
4.What is the law?
5. Why is it worth it?
6. Who is Christ Jesus?
7. Why is He worth it?
8. Where is "in Christ"?
9. When does someone become "in Christ"?
10. What is lost by Paul?
11.What is gained?
12. How does one share in Christ's suffering?
13.What did Christ suffer?
14. What does it mean to be perfect?
15. What is the upward call of God?
16. Why is it (the call) in Christ Jesus?
17. Who are "Brothers"?
18. What does it mean "Christ has made me his own"?
19. What lies ahead?
20. Why would one forget what lies behind?

Promises

I found this post in the drafts folder:

"For my New Years resolution this year, I resolved to write in my blog once a week, at least. Considering I have a blog for one of my art classes, I have probably kept writing (or posting) at least one once a week, but I don't think that counts. So I haven't kept up with my resolution. Surprise!
I think this post is cheating, personally, but I am going to count it as my first one. I even procrastinated to get this one done until the day that I am going to talk to the person who will keep me accountable to my resolution. Yesss :).
But it won't be all bad! I'd like to also give this blog something from my journal, something semi legible. This will probably be more like emotional word vomit then a well crafted poem because, like blog-writing, I haven't written poetry in awhile. But no worries. Soon my emotional backup will all come sputtering out and I'll get to the god stuff :).
Until then, this is what I have :)"

Its either a good thing that I didn't post it because I'm pretty sure it was the last post I wrote for a long time, but it could have been a bad thing b/c it prevented me from being accountable.
It reminds me of my promises to God:
-I will always obey you
-I will follow you
- I will give you my life
-I will be a witness to you
-I will forsake sin
-I will work hard for you
-I will love those you love
-I will seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with you
-I will come to you
-I will trust you

 He knows I can't keep these, yet he lets me make them anyways. He accepts my promises, but He knows that the only promises that last are his own.
When God made the covenant with Abraham in Genesis 15 , He fulfilled both sides of the covenant by walking through the split animal twice. Traditionally, each person involved in the covenant would walk through a split animal to say "may the same happen to me as this animal if I break the covenant", but God knew that Abraham wouldn't be able to keep his end of the covenant. Later, the fulfillment of God's covenant came into existence when Jesus died on the cross and forgave everyone's sins. Because of this, many people became children of God and heirs in the covenant of Abraham. Through Jesus,

"Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God’s Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1:20-22, message

Go to the book of Isaiah, and every promise made applies to a christian.
We can plead these promises before God .

 "Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." Hebrews 4:16, message

He is ready to help us beyond imagining if we ask. This site claim to have links to all of the promises of the bible
And I have not found a verse that says he will make sure I write in my blog every day, so that is clearly why He did not fulfill that ;)

Branson

From 3 years ago. I think it's pretty
 
Today marks the tenth day of my stay in Branson, MO; ten days out of ten weeks. It is nice here. The trees take up most of the skyline with leafy green, and the branched tiers naturally draw the eye upwards.

A dangerous prayer

I just prayed this prayer
"Lord, I want to be put in the middle of people so broken that I either have to show my brokenness too or leave because I am too judgmental to stand them. Amen."

I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to be living like this,
 looking good and feeling so incredibly bad
for all of the bad that I keep inside
instead of letting it all out and showing people
my wounds
just to realize that my wounds have become white with the healing of Jesus.

I want them to see
but I am afraid my wounds will be unclean
I am afraid I will be kicked out of the camp
I am afraid to be labeled "unclean" until things get better
I am afraid my wounds are raw and contagious.

God has washed me whiter than snow.
I am washed, and I am confident
he has turned all my wounds into white scars
clean, a testimony to his healing
I want to be able to show them
in the center of camp
without worrying that I will be kicked out.

I can't live on my own.
Jesus is in the desert,
but please come and speak to me
I can't do this.

When will I be okay?
*I am okay
When will I be open?
*I am open before Jesus, and when I come to realize this and put that relationship higher than all others, I will be able to be open
When will my want for community outweigh my shame and my fear and my pride?
*when I have tasted community and want more and more and more
When will I believe that I can't hide it anymore?
*When I can't
When will I believe that I can't hide it anymore?
*When I expose it

Season

I am going through a hard season right now. I found out that I don't really know much about my feelings. I love work. I can get so caught up in it and the constant doing doing doing, and I just push my emotions down. I don't stop to think about them, I don't stop at all.
Well, I didn't stop before this year. I do now. I don't really have much of a choice. It is so nice to be able to slow down, way down. I haven't let myself do that since, man, probably middle school. Its been too long.
It so paradoxical that God uses the hard times in our life to make us better, to grow us. Plants grow in good conditions, why wouldn't humans?

What is it about us?
What makes us grow when everything around us pushes us down,
When the ground is hard and the air is cold,
When the night takes forever and the day is dull?

What is it about us?
What makes us different from the flowers and grass,
When the environment says no and we keep trying to reach up,
When everything is nothing and we manage to go on?

What is it about us that is so special?

Mistakes

Note to self: Do not let the fear of making mistakes prevent you from moving at all. Make decisions. Make mistakes. Move on.
I am not responsible for providing a way out of my mistakes, I just have to take what God's grace gives me. He did not give me grace so that I could stand there and just know I am forgiven. He gave grace b/c He knew I would/always will need it. Can I say that God's grace is kinda scary? I have no control over it. I don't have the knowledge of how it is going to come, I don't have any way to make it happen, I just have to believe that it will come and live my life accordingly.
Btw, this is total future projection. I am nowhere close to knowing God's grace. Right now I live my life as if every little action I make will affect eternity forever. Silly little girl, who are you to think you can affect the eternal? Who are you to think you are able to change God (the only eternal,the basis of all eternal things)? More important is why I think He needs changing. I think it just boils down to control. I have no control of grace, so I want to change the way it works. I want to know how it comes, from where, what I can do to make it happen. I want control. Self, open your eyes. Can't you see from this week, this semester that anything you have control over goes wrong? Not neccarily terribly bad, just wrong. Not right. Not godly. Can't you see only God is godly, and only actions, even "godly" actions, are wrong w/o Him behind it?

Healing at the gate called "Beautiful"

Usually when Jesus calls you a name, it is not for who you are right then as much as who you will be.
E.g. He renamed Simon "Peter" as the rock (petros)on which he would build his church.

So I have been going through such a rut lately (maybe an understatement), but things are slowly getting better. This morning I realized that 'giving' is my primary love language because I realized I kept offering food to my roommate (like the friendship bread I had w/ breakfast), and even though she kept refusing, I kept wanting to share some of what I knew to be good w/ her. I like to share a lot of my things, and anything that makes me happy I usually want to give to someone else so that they will be happy too. This isn't always true, but generally. It's really nice to know your primary love language. It makes me feel like I have a purpose (even though that is NOT what should give me purpose), an intentional creation, and that made me feel less "rut"-ish.

I had one of those mornings that ran like a clock but I only briefly looked at the beautiful gentle morning light caressing through the limbs. God might speak, most definitely speaks, on other types of days, but the days that we least notice what he is doing that He decides to hurl a spiritual brick into our face and make us stumble and fall back flat seeing stars. Probably pay back for not noticing the grass. I had one of those mornings, and I am still recovering (sigh).

Church seemed normal enough. Mark Sworenson spoke first on the passage in Joshuah where God actually made the sun stand still (great passage), and then he moved into Acts 3 where Peter and John heal a crippled beggar sitting at the temple gate. I know the story from years of kids church, but today it took on a whole new meaning for me. It starts w/ Peter and John walking to their afternoon prayer. A beggar sitting in front of the temple gate called "BEAUTIFUL" holds out his hand or shouts at them or maybe he just mumbles a half hearted question and continues to look at the ground in a hopeless plea for money. Peter and John stop, LOOK STRAIGHT AT HIM, and say "LOOK AT US!", which he does in hopes of something they have.
Then Peter says, straight into this man's upturned, expectant, needy face, full eye contact, "Silver and gold have I none, but that what I have I GIVE YOU. IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH, WALK." TAKING HIM BY THE HAND he lifted up the crippled beggar and in that instant he became strong. The once crippled man began to walk and dance and praise God STRAIGHT IN TO THE HOUSE OF GOD W/ THE REST OF HIS CHILDREN.

Silver and Gold I may have, but the greatest thing I can give someone is Jesus Christ! I have had such a calling to help the homeless and needy people around me, but the besides a meal, socks, or running water, these people need my Jesus, the fisherman who can supply all their needs. These people don't really want just money, they need to walk and run! They need to jump and dance all the way into the courts of our Lord, and I think I think God wants to use me as one of the gates to do this. Mark Sworenson had randomly mentioned the little tidbit about about the names Jesus gives being precursors of what is to come, and it didn't really hit home until the temple gate under which this horribly crippled beggar sat just happened to be called "Beautiful". The name Rebekah means beautiful, among other things, so my mom has used "Beautiful" as a nickname for me ever since I was little. It is a very deep down, love-you-mom, home connected nickname for me. When Mark got to that part of the passage I literally starting tearing up and had to hold them back until the passage was finished b/c I felt like God was speaking directly to me. The temple gate called "Beautiful", that's me. It isn't even a door, its the opening in the wall, it is the place that is designed to hold up some of the wall so people can walk through the gap and be in the courts of God. It isn't a thing, its a hole, its a space specially created by God under which crippled beggars WILL be brought, WILL be looked at, WILL be helped up, and WILL be healed. This is a promise. It is the place where the crippled can get to God, the space that would be nothing more than a hole, except God is on the other side. It is a gap that shows the way to God. Wow.
So maybe the gate "Beautiful" will help the desolate population here some time soon. I don't know what will happen, but I am encouraged that God will pull miraculous things out of his creation. Geez I wish I knew what it all meant so I could start doing something!! But another thing I have learned lately is that I need only have faith that something will happen, and take it one day at a time. If you read this, pray for me. I need to just be. Just be happy, just be faithful, just be God's.